A Wordy Thesis

The paper I chose to work with is "Wherefore art thou, bae Romeo? or, An Argument for Modernizing Shakespeare's Texts." (Boy, that is a mouthful!)

The thesis is:

"However, I argue that twenty-first century Shakespearean adaptations that translate the original text into modern English vocabulary provide new ways to express the same universal social commentaries on love, sacrifice, and ambition for a wider audience, while honoring Shakespeare's innovative wordplay and word-creation with our changing, growing millennial vocabulary."

As with the title, I can tell that the author of this paper is very wordy. The thesis seems to be giving too much information too fast! I feel that a simpler version would not only make it easier for the reader, but also make the author's claims more clear. I understand that the author thought that he/she was making things more clear by adding definitions and examples into the thesis, but really I ended up feeling confused and like the less he/she explained the better the paper would become.

Rewrite:
Although many would argue against the modernization of Shakespearean texts, twenty-first century adaptations do provide new ways to express universal social commentaries, while honoring Shakespeare's innovative wordplay and creation.

I would say that my new thesis is a comparison claim because of the difference between purism and modernization of texts. I also feel that shortening it down and taking away all of the fluff makes it easier to understand!

What do you guys think??